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Now that I'm a new mom, I am drifting apart from my best friend, who doesn't have kids? I really want to remain friends, but my life has radically changed and it seems as if we don't have common interests any more. Any advice on how to maintain the friendship? She is important to me.
This is such a changing time in your life and I'm sure that in time that the closeness of your friendship will recur. In the past you made your friendship with her because you had the same interests/things in commom. At the moment your need is to have friendship with those women and men who are going through the same changes, joys and worries as you and it is the sharing of this that will develop new and binding friendships but it will not alter how you feel about your friend. Just continue regular contact but don't expect her to understand your current absorption in your baby and motherhood.
Posted On 2010-06-16 14:18:57
Though it can be challenging to maintain your friendship at the same level after having a baby, you can still stay connected. It would be helpful if you knew whether or not your friend is interested in learning about your life as a mother. So, I suggest that you ask her. Then try to set up some personal guidelines about how much you'll talk about your baby and motherhood. Many single women enjoy hearing funny anecdotes about parenthood and life with a baby, but your best friend may also want to talk about what is happening in her life. So even though you feel that you don't have anything else to talk about, she may be happy that you still have time to listen to her about her successes and challenges. In addition, you may want to share your own.
Though you may not have the same amount of time to devote to your friendship at this time, you'll probably be able to find some time to email or talk to her on the phone. As your life becomes a little less hectic, you'll be able to meet with her occasionally with or without your baby. Also, though it's hard to imagine now, you'll soon adjust to your new role as a mother and have more time for nurturing your relationships as well as caring for your baby.
Best wishes for creating a new dimension to your relationship with your best friend.
Posted On 2010-06-07 18:17:08
Dear new mom: I hear your pain and wish I had an easy answer! This is actually not an uncommon experience as we travel throughout our lives. We build friendships based on something shared between us-- whether it is work, hobbies, or other shared interests. Now you have added a new experience into your life that is monumental- becoming a mom! And it is an experience that your friend does not share with you.
There is a ditty that comes to mind as I consider your struggle... "We have some friends for a moment, some for a time, and some forever." This is something that you will need to assess- whether your friendship can survive this major change in your life. Have you talked with your friend about this? It might help to share your observations, worries, and hopes with her. Maybe she needs to hear that you are still committed to this friendship, even as your life has changed in such major ways. It might take awhile for you both to figure out how to stay connected, and in what ways you may need to re-configure your friendship so that it works for both of you. For example, this might mean acknowledging that your times together will be less often, or at different times to accommodate your baby's schedule.
It is possible that this special relationship will not survive the new changes in your life. Whether your friendship survives or not will depend, at least in part, on how committed you both are to holding onto your relationship through the bumpiness of change.
I also encourage you to meet other new mothers, if you haven't yet. It can be supportive and nice to be around others who are also experiencing the highs and lows of motherhood.
I wish you the best on this journey of parenting, and hope that you are able to hold onto what you have had with this very special friend, if it is meant to be.
Posted On 2010-06-06 17:21:21