Patented Q & A Database

For the last six months I've been getting together with a group of new mothers. We all have the same question: How can we get our husband to help more with the baby?

Sharon Buchalter Replied: Kudos to you and the other moms for forming a group. It is so very important to have a good group of women who can lean on each other and who go through similar situation and circumstances. The issue you asked me is one of the most frequently asked questions I receive. There's no miracle cure for making your husband help more with the baby, but there are some definite methods you can use that will help him do more. First, when you see your husband do something with or for the baby, praise him so that he knows he did well. Positive affirmation is so important, even for adults! Next, we you are both alone together, speak to him calmly and tell him that having his support and help with the baby is so important to you and that you could really use his help a little more. Start with baby steps and work your way up. If you shoot for the moon, you may get shot down. Start small and increase slowly. Don't nag- if you complain to him or to your friends about him and he hears you, it may make him resentful and do even less. Be kind, as you would to a co-worker or an employee. Treat him with respect and let him know gently how much his support with the baby means to both you, and to your little one. Best of luck to you.
Posted On 2010-06-21 23:52:57

Maureen Whitehouse Replied: I don't feel it's a matter of getting help with the baby as much as it is a valid desire to have your husband connect more with both you and the baby as a family - as a unit. I think just about everyone agrees babies are a lot of work as well as the source of a whole lot of joy. If you all feel that your husband isn't "helping" you must also feel that he is missing out on a lot of the delightful moments - the small miracles - that happen in the midst of the day-to day esential seemingly mundane tasks of parenting. You want these guys to be "in", fully with both feet - entirely present to living this amazing life with you as a parent - am I right? I've discovered a wonderful way to invite anyone in to an experience I want to share with them - enjoy the expereince so much yourself that you can't help but share with them all of your joys and mini-epiphanies around parenting, and soon enough they'll want to expereince this "fun" for themselves and not miss out on any of these fleeting moments. They'll want to discover for themselves what it is that is the cause of so much happiness in you. Let me ask you all this - do you find yourselves complaining more often than not to your husbands (or to each other) about how much work it is and how tough it is to parent "all alone." Every woman I know who has a very engaged, family oriented husband - is having so much fun, loving her kids that her husband just naturally chooses to join in the fun. All this is, is a matter of focusing on the grace in your life - and allow the pain and problems to wither and die of neglect. Try this for one week - no complaints - just complements and acknowledgement of all of the good in your life, and watch your husband miraculously change. Why? Because you have!
Posted On 2010-06-21 19:42:04

Christine Hierlmaier Nelson Replied: This question depends on the husband's attitude regarding fatherhood and what he saw growing up. Most likely, he saw a father figure who spent most of the time at a job outside the house or doing chores outside the house. This is what he still perceives as helping...and it is!

This is not to say that your husbands are not sympathetic or aware of the changes in your home. They just may not understand at a very deep level the change that has happened in your life. Women becoming mothers is very different from men becoming fathers. Men do not experience the physical changes. They also tend not to experience the level of bonding with a baby as readily as most mothers do. So you need to help them with this initial disadvantage. Their instinct is to provide financially, but you need to help them see the additional ways they can provide and support the family...and get to know their son or daughter!

1. Do not nag...as much as your tired, stressed self wants to. Keep in mind that your husbands may feel that they've lost you in the bargain of getting a new baby. You will get more mileage with love than resentment.

2. Demonstrate. Act as your husband's teacher to demonstrate making a bottle or preparing food, folding laundry and putting it away, dusting or whatever you need help accomplishing. Demonstrate one task at a time, saying, "In case you need to know when I'm not around. I don't want you to feel stressed and it would mean so much to me to know that you can take care of our baby as well or even better than me!"

3. Ask. Ask your husbands what has been the hardest part of having a new baby. Then really listen. Ask them what you can do to make things easier. Then listen. This seems odd since you're the one feeling overwhelmed, but your husbands will then be more willing to listen to you if they feel heard.

4. Negotiate. Women assume that their husbands should just know what they need. Sorry, they don't. Once you know what will make their lives easier (knowledge is power, ladies), find some common ground and negotiate for what you want. Maybe you need an uninterrupted bubble bath or a couple hours out of the house or a date with your husband (this doesn't have to cost money; swap babysitting with your girlfriends and go for a drive together)!

5. Say thank you. When we get busy and stressed, we often forget our manners with the people we love most. Make a pact with your spouse to notice nice things that each of you do...either for the baby or each other or the household. Offer regular acknowledgements...you'll be surprised how motivating a compliment or unrequested act of service can be!
Posted On 2010-06-06 22:28:42

debbie mandel Replied: Women process information and emotions much more quickly than most men and are often surprised when their husbands don't get "it." Keep in mind that your husband who loves you is not a clone and consequently, not a mind reader. Communicate your needs plainly, simply and concisely (no nagging) and set up a schedule for the two of you posted in a prominent place. Be ready to reach an equitable compromise. You get free time and so does he. This becomes a win-win situation. Then remember not to criticize his diapering, his putting on the baby's clothes backwards, etc. Give up a little control when it is his turn to take of the baby. Compliment him liberally letting him know how helpful he is to you. He will be eager to please you and win your approval. Success breeds success
Posted On 2010-06-05 17:03:28

debbie mandel Replied: Women process information and emotions much more quickly than most men and are often surprised when their husbands don't get "it." Keep in mind that your husband who loves you is not a clone and consequently, not a mind reader. Communicate your needs plainly, simply and concisely (no nagging) and set up a schedule for the two of you posted in a prominent place. Be ready to reach an equitable compromise. You get free time and so does he. This becomes a win-win situation. Then remember not to criticize his diapering, his putting on the baby's clothes backwards, etc. Give up a little control when it is his turn to take of the baby. Compliment him liberally letting him know how helpful he is to you. He will be eager to please you and win your approval. Success breeds success
Posted On 2010-06-05 17:03:14