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Why do I lose my temper so easily with my children? I am not an angry person, nor do I lose my temper with adults.


Sharon Buchalter Replied: Having a child of any age can push any of us to our limit and make us feel frayed. That being said, you need to be very careful to keep your temper in check. When you say that you lose your temper, what does that mean? Do you resort to hitting or yelling? This is behavior you should never use or expose your children to. While it's normal to feel frustrated at times, it is not OK to take it out on our children, or anyone else for that matter. If you have a difficult time controlling your temper, I suggest you seek professional counseling. There are excellent anger management courses and therapy offered that have proven very successful for people, especially parents. Violence begets violence, so it is so vital to keep your temper in check around your children. A trained therapist can also teach you relaxation techniques that can also help you stay calm in the face of chaos. Best of luck to you.
Posted On 2010-06-21 23:42:01
Dr. Vicki Panaccione Replied: All your hopes and aspirations tend to get tied up with your kids. Because you have such hopes and dreams for them, any behavior that falls short of them can create tremendous fear, disappointment and anxiety. All these feeling can lead to anger, and temper outbursts. Additionally, when we experience an emotional charge, it usually has to do with us and not our children. Generally, their behavior is a trigger for something within yourself, usually past experience(s) from childhood. You may find that you are reacting to them as your parents reacted to you. We become conditioned, or wired, to respond a certain way to certain situations. Take a look at what resonates with you. Chances are, you will get in touch with what you are reenacting. We tend to do what we hate to the ones we love the most. When you feel that emotional charge, step away to help you regain your calm. That way, you will help yourself parent from the present, rather than from that Little Voice of your past.
Posted On 2009-10-12 17:38:09
Sharon Silver Replied: This is a hard one to answer in this format, however I can paint a broad stroke for you.

When we have children we begin to learn that the parenting job and our reactions are a bigger part of the parenting process than we originally thought.

One possible reason you loose your temper may be because children live in the moment and they're uninhibited when it comes to their emotions. As adults we tend to control our emotions and we're on a time schedule. Sometimes we don't have the time or the emotional stamina for all the fussing and fretting that goes on.

The other thing that may be causing you to lose your temper are "ghosts from the cradle" as T. Berry Brazelton puts it. I focus on toddlers and preschoolers who are deeply emotional, so when there's an issue a child's uninhibited emotions tend to bring up wounds and/or memories from a parent's childhood. It's at that moment that parents have to decide if they're going to do what was done to them when they were little. If they choose not to repeat what was done to them they're faced with two choices at once. They have to find another way to correct the behavior and they need to deal with their temper at the exact moment when they wish all of this would magic resolve its self instead.

That's why I always say, when you're parenting you're holding hands with three generations, the generation before you-your parents, your generation-you and your partner/spouse, and the future generation-your children. When you choose to make changes in the way you handle things, like not loosing your temper, you have to fight the impulse to react the way your parents reacted and you have to honor what's true for you in that moment, which usually means "I want to stop this" and you have to send that correction message to your child in a way that doesn't create any emotional damage. And that pressure can easily cause parents to loose their temper.

It's a big job. There is help out there to guide you with words and scenarios until it rolls off your tongue easily.
Good Luck,
Sharon @ www.proactive parenting dot net

Posted On 2009-09-30 17:00:32
Charlie Seymour Jr Replied: I feel for you and understand how frustrating this can be for you. When my younger child was really little, I spanked her (swatted her one time) three different times and each was out of anger. I was really upset with myself each time and I vowed never to do it again. I found I just needed to take more time, step back, ask HER for a time out (and then take one myself). I'm not an angry person either and RARELY lose my temper... and least of all do I want to do that with my child. Showing temper to a child begets MORE temper when the child grows up... and I love the expression that we don't HUG our kids so they will hug us back, we hug them so they will hug THEIR kids. So just tell yourself that not only don't you approve of what your children do when they make you angry but you don't approve of what YOU do... and YOU can change it: starting now. Why you do it, I'm not sure (probably because you're human and react quickly)... but I know with thought and patience, you can change how you react next time... STARTING next time!
Posted On 2009-09-28 15:51:42
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