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My thirteen year old daughter has a boyfriend that I don't like. I want to forbid her to see him but I'm afraid she will date him at school behind my back. He had sex with another girl when they were dating last time. I'm worried about her because of the fact that she even wants to continue to date him.

Nadia Thonnard Replied: Your concern for your thirteen old is understandable and your doubts of forbidding her to see the boyfriend are also justified. if she is set on seeing him, she will see him.

These situations are hard for a parent because you do not want your daughter to get hurt, yet we cannot protect them from everything. What you want to make sure is that you keep YOUR relationship with her open and healthy. If she shuts you off because of your judgments and criticism, then you will loose her to her "bad judgments".

At thirteen she is experiencing and claiming a newly found need for further independence and it is important to show that you respect that. Your concern is based on your fears that maybe she is not responsible enough yet and that she doesn't know enough to make the right decision. It is now important for you to get through to her in a manner that she will welcome your concern. Your choice of wording is very important and you should start by acknowledging the fact that she has grown much the last 6 months...and how proud you are at the responsibilities she has displayed in certain area of her life...whatever can be noticed, put it into perspective and tell her that you are noticing her transformation into a young woman, then, choosing the place and time very carefully, I usually like to be on neutral ground like having lunch or going for walk, whatever you know you can do together where you know you are connected, start talking to her about your concerns. But make sure that it is worded as your concerns and not criticism. Like: Seeing you growing up like this is making me realise that I hope I have given you enough knowledge to be ready for the grown up life...then be honest and say something like: I have to admit that seeing you going out with a boy does scare me so I want to rest assured that if you have any doubts and/or questions you can come to me.

You cannot control what she does if you want to keep a good relationship with her. Your concern proves that you are a good parent and have taught her well. It is time to trust yourself while reinforcing to your daughter that there will be new challenges, some that need to be discussed as they go along and that you are and always be there for her.
All the best
Nadia
Posted On 2009-10-13 01:35:04

Ashley Hammond Replied: Your concern over your daughter becoming involved sexually at such a young age is a serious issue. aside from the legal issues that surround any "male" involved with your "underage" daughter there are many emotional and potentially physical issues that can stem from young women having sex at an early age. I STRONGLY recommend family counselling for your daughter and immediately ask guidance and advice about confronting not only your daughter but also her prospective boy friend.
Posted On 2009-10-04 15:00:25

Amy and Charles Miron Replied: We can understand your concern and believe it was wise of you not to use the hammer as your first tool. We'd suggest that you wait for a time in the near future when your relationship with your daughter is warm and fuzzy, and start with something positive like, "I hope you know how much I love you." or "I'm so proud of the way you're growing up." Then explain that it worries me that not all kids your age are not as kind,wise and mature as you are. I understand that you're the one in charge of who your friends are. As your Mom, and someone who loves you and has your best interests at heart, it's my job to point out the possible potholes that you can fall into in life. I'm concerned that this guy is not going to appreciate the wonderful person you are. Clearly, he doesn't seem to be loyal and I think that's very important in someone that you date. If he could cheat on you once, there's a good chance he might do it again. I think you deserve better than that. I hope you do, too. While I'd like to forbid you to see him, I'm not going to. I trust you and believe that you're going to make the right decision for yourself. The main goal in parenting an adolescent is to keep the lines of communication open. That way, you have input into any situation. Power play this...or any situation, and the door to communication is most likely to close. Once closed, it's hard (but always possible) to reopen. Also understand that when you "demand" or "forbid" a teen from dating a person, you're probably becoming a common enemy for your child and the teen you dislike. Push her away by over controlling, and she's more likely to move away from you and toward him. If all else fails, agree to disagree, ending with I love you and have faith in you.
Posted On 2009-04-07 18:56:25