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I have a very hard time with my twin daughters (age 6, 1st grade) picking up all the toys they've played with. But, at a November Parent/Teacher conference, the teacher said she has no problem with my daughters at clean-up time. Help, please

Tina Nocera Replied: We often hear how well our children behave in the company of family, friends and school. That's great, until it sinks in that they're not behaving the same way at home. It could be they have figured out what they can get away with. For that reason, begin to set to clearly set rules and stick to them. Associate consequences to not cleaning up, and follow through. For example, tell them "Each day, you will take all your toys, clothes, etc. and place them in a container (labeled with their name) by the stairs. Each night, you will put all the items in the container away. If you don't I will keep those items for a week." The reason schools are successful with rules is because children know there is consistency and consequences. It's really a lesson for all of us. Good luck!
Posted On 2008-06-28 09:45:38

Bruce Gilberg Replied: It is not unusual for children to behave differently at home and at school. The classroom rules often require optimal independence as well as positive peer relationships. At home, young children's dependency needs more regularly and intensely surface during daily routines. At home, the 6 year old does not want to go it alone and may protest cleaning up routines that require total responsibility for the task. The solution is for the parent to avoid power struggles about dependency. A compromise may entail the parent and child cleaning up together. The parent becomes a model for family members helpiing each other. Resultution of disagreements do not require an all or nothing approach.
Posted On 2008-01-07 09:13:03

Judy Molland Replied: Let's start with your twins' response to their teacher: it sounds as if she runs a well-organized classroom, where the students understand their responsibilities and the consequences of not fulfilling expectations. Your daughters are also motivated by seeing other children around them cleaning up. So try following this procedure at home. Make it clear that you are serious about your twins cleaning up after themselves, state the consequences for not following directions, and be sure to follow through. As any teacher will tell you, consistency is crucial, as is follow-through. Without these, you risk undermining your authority. And just like those fellow students, you can set a good example by making sure that you always clean up after yourself!
Posted On 2008-01-03 11:09:58

Ellen Gibran-Hesse Replied: I am assuming that you mean that your daughters are inconsistent in clean up. In raising children sometimes we hold them to higher standards than we hold ourselves. A little inconsistency is normal and can be overcome with making it into a game or a competition. Ask yourself if you are making this a rigid rule or do they simply need a bit of inspiration. Children will act differently in school because there are social consequences and that is fine. Home needs a different approach. I made sure my sons got into the habit of making their beds and keeping their room in order at about 8. A little slipping happens and when things got too out of hand, I offered to come help. If they were overwhelmed, making it a time to discuss preferences for organizing came in handy and provided bonding. I made it fun. As they grew, my help was seen as a bit insulting but since I don't like big messes they learned to keep a livable order for all of us. As college age men now, they both are organized and tiddy but not perfect. Just light years above their peers. As my oldest son explained, it helps him access what he needs quickly and as busy as he is, that's critical. Don't take offense come up with some fun competitions, maybe the one who is done first gets special points or a special choice for an outing, or gets a choice DVD to watch. Make it fun. Let things go a bit. We all need to smell the roses even when we are young. Making it a general trait to aspire to, you will find that over time the activity becomes a good habit.
Posted On 2008-01-02 18:17:42