Patented Q & A Database


Question

My 14 year old is texting on the phone/and talking on the phone 30++hours a month in addition to the IM on the internet She does play high school soccer and field hockey ---No drinking or drugs at all} She does mostly B's in school with little work put in. We try in instill that you need good grades to get into a good college to get a good job. We told her long ago any C's on report card and phone is gone during the school week. she is flipping out Is this too harsh? she also is very distant and does not talk to us parent's much unless she needs or wants something.. IDEAS???

Answer

Annie Fox, M. Ed. Replied: Who is paying for her phone and Internet service? Who bought her the computer and the phone? Would that be you? I'm guessing it was. Therefore it's your phone and your computer. You feel that she's abusing the privileges of phone and Internet, then take them away from her. The fact that you are worried that your daughter is "flipping out" because you hold her to a set of academic standards tells me that you place a higher value in her happiness than you do in her accountability. Since you asked for "ideas"... here are a couple: 1. Sit down with your partner and discuss your parenting priorities for your daughter. If you expect better grades, and more family time, then agree to that between you. Get on the same page. Institute some new policies in which she has to earn the right to use your phone and computer... In order to earn that right, she's going to have to apply herself more diligently to her school work and show you the results. 2. Have a family meeting with your daughter and tell her the new policies. She needs to know that she is not in charge here. 3. Expect that she is likely to throw a fit. That's her choice. But do not let her emotional reaction your responsibilty as her parents. Your job is to help her develop into a fully functioning, socially responsible adult. You aren't doing your job if you continue letting her call the shots. If you need more support getting your parenting back on track, I'd suggest you connect with a licensed marriage and family counselor. I hope this helps. In friendship, Annie Fox
Posted On 2007-03-28 20:26:46
Janet Fox Replied: You seem to have two issues: one of grades, and one of distance from you. It's good that your daughter is averaging B's with such little effort. I assume she's in middle school. When she reaches high school the stakes go up, and the work becomes more difficult, so good study habits instilled now will pay off. Rather than focus on possible C's, try rewarding her B's. Do something with her (a trip to a park, the movies, or the shopping mall). That she is spending so much time with peers is natural, but it's important that you make an effort to spend pleasurable time with her, too, even if she seems to be avoiding you. When you're together be sure to listen to her, so you can better assess how she feels about herself, school, friends, and you. If she knows that you value her and reward her efforts, she's more likely to try and do her best.
Posted On 2007-03-26 18:44:07
Charlotte DeVries Replied: As harsh as rules sometimes come across, they are one of the ways we let our kids know that we care. Your daughter sounds like a busy, connected young woman. It's not how we conducted our high school lives, but it's a reality for today's youth to be online, on the cell, IMing, etc. It's a tricky thing to encourage without becoming a nag, to counsel without alienating, to set fair and balanced expectations. In the confusing waters of adolescence, separating and distancing ourselves from our folks is part of the deal. But make it a priority to keep as positive a flow of communication as you can with her. We used to call occasional family meetings (kids groaned but deep down I think it made them feel valued to be called to the table to discuss something important to us.) You might consider just such a meeting, where you say, "Look, we know you're growing up and have lots of stuff pulling you away. But we love you and want to be in your life and not fall off each other's radar. What we propose is this...(maybe a once a month dinner out with just her and one parent where there's no agenda...something like that. Or get her input on the family vacation this summer because you don't have many left together.) Try to be as positive as you can with the grade thing without turning her off about grades and the weightiness of her future. It's difficult at 14 to understand that choices can be expensive -- her putting some effort into school will open a lot of doors she can't even imagine. Best of luck. You are not alone. - Charlotte
Posted On 2007-03-26 18:01:20
Press Esc to close