How technology may save families

January 14th, 2012

They solemnly sat in the first row of St. Paul’s Greek Orthodox Church.  I didn’t know who they were, but understood the person memorialized was very important to them.  At the end of the service two young women and six young men were the pallbearers for their Yiayia.

I met them at the luncheon following the burial. They were the exact opposite of the adult children mentioned in a recent blog.  They were bright lights, confident and connected to each other.  But sadly because they lived so far away, my family doesn’t know them at all.

Today, twenty and thirty year-olds grow up understanding that moving away is a fact of life, while I grew up in a world where most of my family lived within walking distance.   The boomers who are now grandparents are on Skype, Facebook and Facetime on a regular basis to create a connection with their grandchildren that has to suffice between visits and hugs.

Perhaps the next version of Facebook will include a way to smell Sunday dinner.  Until then it’s a great way to watch a video of an older sibling making a new baby brother laugh, first steps, hockey games, or the school play.

I think the thing I enjoyed best about watching them yesterday was that the cell phones only came out at the very last minute for pictures. They spent the whole time connecting the old fashioned way…they talked to each other.

Nice meeting all of you! May our next meeting be at a family reunion.

Have a great week!

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

Move over childhood obesity; we’ve got bigger problems

December 30th, 2011

Even though the economy isn’t cooperating with many of their career choices, the parents of young adults are confident they will find their way.

But there are many adult children not quite ready for prime time, and it doesn’t appear they will be any time soon. I use the term ‘adult children’ for those kids that have gotten older, but have not necessarily grown up.

To see if this term applies to your child, see if you recognize any of these traits:

  1. Inadequate social skills; eye contact, shaking hands, or the art of conversation
  2. Poor work ethic – they don’t get it that the first rule of business is showing up
  3. Little desire to use their education or learn anything new unless it is promoted by popular culture
  4. They lack confidence, though ironically have a sense of entitlement
  5. No sense of responsibility or accountability

It would be easy to write about the cause and how to prevent it, but I want to take on the greater challenge of how to fix adult children. 

One of the best ways to teach social skills is to model them.  A good way to do that is making family dinners together a priority without the interference of technology.  

Occasionally invite dinner guests with diverse backgrounds encouraging stimulating conversation. Get subscriptions to newspapers and magazines such as Time or Newsweek and discuss current events. Remember the intention is about building up, not tearing down, so their messy room is not a good dinner topic. 

Does your adult child have a job?  If so, don’t feed their excuses as to why this job isn’t right for them, and don’t bail them out financially.  If they want something, they have to work for it.  That includes car insurance, cell phone bills, gas money, movies, clothes, anything!  Explain there is a difference between finding your passion and paying your bills.  

Doing something well and feeling confident is a great way to boost self-esteem.  It could be a hobby or volunteer work, which would put them on the giving end for a change.

One of our roles as parents is to have our children contribute first to the household, and then to society. Identify household jobs and hold them accountable to do them.  The vast majority of people would like to live in a clean home.  If your child is the cause of the mess, take several very large, black heavy duty garbage bags, load up and toss.  You should only have to do that once.

Though adult children need to take ownership of their lives, they still might need your help in getting there, no different than if your child was ill.  It’s challenging, but hang in there. 

For those of you with younger children, begin with the end in mind, best illustrated by a wonderful Jesse Jackson quote;

“Your children need your presence more than your presents.”

Have a safe, healthy and Happy New Year!

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

To do two things at once is to do neither

November 20th, 2011

To do two things at once is to do neither. – Publilius Syrus (c. 46 BC)

Though we brag about our ability to multi-task, I don’t believe multi-tasking is possible unless the second activity is mindless.  For me, ironing is one of those mindless activities.

When we are always connected, that umbilical link to electronics could cause us to miss our most important connection; relationship building with our children.  That is done most effectively by being attentive and present as parents.  The most valuable times aren’t scheduled, but rather the casual moments woven into everyday life. 

Talk about your day, ask about their day.  Look for changes in behavior; engage in a dialog regarding the observations your child makes. 

If you are divorced and don’t have the opportunity to have daily meaningful conversations, then use the same technology the divides us to connect to your kids.  Use the phone, email, texting, or Skype to let them know that you love them. 

Whatever your situation, don’t miss moments by falling prey to the many distractions calling for our attention.

Remember, you are building a child and even though it is hard work, it is much easier to spend the time and energy on building a child than it is to repair an adult.

Have a great week!

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

Do we need laws to protect our children?

November 13th, 2011

If our American way of life fails the child, it fails us all.
-Pearl S. Buck

This morning on NBC’s “Meet the Press” Tom Corbett, the attorney general who started the investigation of formerPennStatedefensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky, said that the law should be changed to make sure reports of alleged child sexual abuse are made to government authorities.

Do we need to wait for laws to protect our children?

There is a public awareness campaign encouraging the public to contact local authorities if they see something suspicious.  The nationwide launch of “If You See Something, Say Something™” has proven to be very successful as commuters pay attention to packages at airports, bus terminals and train stations. 

Our children are innocent and must be protected from sexual abuse and corporal punishment.  A disturbing video surfaced showing a Texas County Judge beating his disabled daughter with a belt; it was viewed over 2 million times.

There is a saying that we judge a society by something called the burning building theory which says, that if a building was burning and your child was inside no doubt you would rush in to save your child.  But a society is judged by the willingness of citizens to rush in to save the life of any child. 

We shouldn’t need laws to do the right thing.  We should do something simply because it is the right thing to do.

 Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

Three Simple Ways to Stop Bullying

October 31st, 2011

“Promise me you’ll always remember…you’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.” Christopher Robin to Pooh

Was it so much easier a generation ago to be a kid?

You probably didn’t think so at the time if you suffered much the same taunts and teases as kids do today.  The difference between then and now is that we could go home, close the door, and find people who loved you, even with your own fair share of sibling battles.

Today, there is no where to hide.  Bullies find you everywhere, at all times, and if online; forever.  But imagine if bullying were approached like a drug problem, where both supply and demand is simultaneously approached.

Here are three simple ideas that you can put into effect right now:

  1. Let your child know he/she is loved unconditionally by everyone in your household and more in terms of extended family.  See the wonderful quote above by Christopher Robin that says it all!
  2. Arm your children with a powerful weapon to neutralize the bully.  Bill Cosby’s The Meanest Thing to Say has empowered many four- to eight-year-olds to resist the schoolyard bully. Cosby encourages young readers to respond to taunts simply by saying, “So?” instead of giving away their true feelings or responding aggressively. While “So?” will not always disarm a bully, it is one terrific tool for children to put into their social-skills toolbox.
  3. Here is a very effective exercise.  Draw a line in the room and have everyone stand on one side.  Now ask anyone who has ever been bullied to step over the line.  You will find that (just about) everyone steps over which in itself is a powerful emotion.  What this does is recognize the bully has also been bullied.  With schools facing budget cuts and at the same time required to present anti-bullying programs, there is a wonderful, free program offered by the folks at Operation Respect.

There is no hurt as difficult as when our children hurt.  Hopefully, this little band-aid can help make it go away.

Have a great week!

Tina Nocera

Founder, Parental Wisdom®

 

Remembering meatballs on Sunday morning

September 11th, 2011

It could have been yesterday. 

Vivid memories of stopping for meatballs on the way home from church.   I still can smell the  wonderful aroma and remember that as a kid thinking the pot must have been bottomless.

Reminiscing is bittersweet because it represents a time we will never see again.   For those of us who were fortunate enough to grow up during this time, it’s difficult to explain to our children.  Your entire family lived within walking distance, and Sunday was the day you got to see them all.   

Today, we share pictures and moments on Facebook, have conversations on Skype and provide frequent updates in less than 140 characters.  We’ve moved away from family; so much further than just a few city blocks.

It’s different, but we  are still able to connect; something the families of 9/11 can’t do.

Make the most of each day and let the people you love know how you feel.  And let’s hope the next version of the web gives us the ability to smell the meatballs via Skype and Facebook.

For the sense of smell, almost more than any other, has the power to recall memories and it is a pity that you use it so little.  – Rachel Carson (1907 – 1964)

Never Forget

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

 

When are you finished parenting?

September 5th, 2011

Parents hope their babies will soon start walking, while parents of toddlers wonder when they can resume eye contact at family functions.   Parents of middle school students long for the days their kids can drive so the family taxi can take a rest; that is until their teen actually begins driving.  This means parent cat naps on the couch waiting for the new driver to arrive safely home.

But do you understand you’re never actually done being a parent?  There is no finish line. 

Just ask the mom of an Airforce Major trying to comfort her sobbing daughter 2,000 miles away because of her pending divorce.  Ask the dad who tries to help his son find a resolution as his insurance company drops him because of two accidents the day before a hurricane.   Or the mom of the brand new inner city school teacher as he faces daily struggles he couldn’t possibly have anticipated, but hangs in there because he wants to make a difference.

The challenges grow with your child.  When they are little, it’s easy to put a band-aid on what hurts, and make the hurt go away.  The saying, “little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems,” is very true.  

It’s nice when your adult child calls for advice, but very stressful if you don’t have an answer.  Still, it’s wonderful that they call, and sometimes all they really need is someone to listen. 

 We can do that. 

 All the best,

 Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

The calm before the storm

August 31st, 2011

For those cleaning up after Hurricane Irene, hoping for the return of electricity, hot water and the comforts that only electronic devices can provide – stop a moment to realize this is actually the calm before the storm. 

Take pleasure in the few remaining lazy days of summer and spontaneity before schedules rules your life.

Enjoy the kind of fun that is possible only when single-tasking (which may not be a real word, but certainly understandable for a multi-tasking society).

Play a board game, go for a walk, talk to each other as you take full advantage of the last bit of downtime that comes with a holiday weekend.

See you in September!

 Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

You’re Not the Boss of Me

July 10th, 2011

Schools are gearing up for anti-bullying programs this summer.  Coincidentally a new movie, Horrible Bosses opened this weekend.  

Here’s where it ties together – if you find yourself at the family dinner table complaining about your own boss, who might be a bully, know that your children will get the connection. 

  • The boss who continually makes jokes about your height, weight, baldness, etc. is a bully.
  • The boss who calls you in to discuss a project, but reads email instead of giving you full attention is a bully.
  • The boss who says no one talks up during meetings, but never gives anyone else a chance to talk is a bully.
  • The boss who says, “How are you doing?” but never waits for an answer is a bully.
  • The boss who complains about the status quo, but doesn’t listen to solutions offered by employees because they might mean more work, is a bully.
  • The boss who takes the credit but never the blame is a bully.

Your children are always watching.  Life isn’t perfect, but you have to demonstrate what you will do to make it better, and not simply do the job because you belong to the IHAM (I have a mortgage) club.

At least when a kid is stuffed in a locker, he/she can get out.  Show your kids that you will do whatever you can, including leave, to make things better.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.  – Eleanor Roosevelt

Any experiences you care to share?  Leave a comment.

Have a great week!

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

Two very powerful words – Do Over

July 3rd, 2011

 

 

The good news about the summer is that families get together at reunions, barbeques and other happy events.  The bad news is those gatherings can be ripe with tension.

Like most of the life lessons I learned as a kid, one that sticks in my mind is the simple phrase, do over

Our children listen to our words, but even more closely observe our actions.  Families have disagreements and conflicts and may say hurtful things that can’t be taken back.   These conflicts are sometimes unavoidable.

When conflicts happen, call a do-over, just like you did when you were a kid because your kids are watching.

Quarrels would not last long if the fault were only on one side. – Duke François de La Rochefoucauld

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®