A: In raising my sons, ages 24 and 21 now, I noticed that most little boys are very active my oldest included. I think that many teachers, who never were taught to diagnose ADD, are far too quick to pounce on this instead of the fact that school activities often are designed for more sedentary activities and personalities. And I think that the teaching profession has more of these sedentary personalities. You have good instincts about helping your son. The fact that you created the chart and your little one can focus on it to help himself, says a lot. Even when I ran a cub scout troop, my co-leader and I made sure to keep the boys active to run down their energy and change activities frequently to keep their focus and interest. All these active boys have turned into easy going adults. We are seeing a serious shortage of males entering colleges and I think the real focus needs to be on what they are supplying to male learners. If your little one enjoys puzzles and alone time, I'd say he is curious and focused enough for his age. Don't worry! | (view all answers to this question)

A: Well, this is always hard to answer as "messy" is a relative term. If this is a case of things thrown on the floor, food and drink left, no organization, it is time to have a talk. Good household skills are important for when they have roommates or significant others. I also believe it helps them to organize and manage the items in their lives and trains the brain in organization. Do not nag. Explain that this is an important skill set and every other week there will be an inspection for neatness. Make sure you both agree on neatness. I have a thing about clothes not being hung up and my sons learned early on to make that effort meant a lot to me. Quite frankly, I would have agreed to clothes laid neatly on a chair. Agree to frequency of inspection and what constitutes "neat". If the inspection comes and they haven't achieved it, then help them. Believe me, no teenager wants mom or dad right there organizing their room. Or if they do, maybe that's a skill set they need help with. It can be a great bonding experience if you don't make it critical or demeaning. It is just helping to acquire a skill set. | (view all answers to this question)

A: I am assuming your children are not teenagers but some of this can apply to that age too. Some children are more home bodies and need a lot of down time. You will have to inspire them. Have a talk about things that they would like to do. I used to take my sons on trips to great cities and plan to see and do a lot. At one point, as they were getting older, I discovered they wanted input into the vacation or activity. Once you have a meeting about what they like, build in a little music or get books or magazines to have them read and plan it out. As they share research or new facts and ideas, give them a pat on the back for sharing. The trick is to find things that interest them and learn to compromise with others about trips and activities. These are great opportunities for interaction and learning who they are becoming. If the activity doesn't appeal, then let the compromiser chose where to eat. You'll get good at this over time and have some really great summer memories! | (view all answers to this question)

A: A 5 year old doesn't have that sort of brain function yet to associate an action with such a long term punishment. Even a time out, is typically a minute for every year of age. If he is running out, this sounds like a young one who needs a change of scene or activity. It seems like he is curious and an explorer. These are good traits and need to be directed. With a little one explain you want him safe and maybe see about play dates or trips to parks. Help create a calendar for outings which can also be running in the mall just to help him burn energy and get out. Simple daily walks around the neighborhood counting birds or squirrels will help him burn the energy until he gets a little older and can go ride his bike safe distances. Once you create a positive direction for his interest and energy, this behavior shouldn't be a problem. | (view all answers to this question)

A: You are right to be concerned. The focus on just going to college is often a recipe for dependence and failure to launch. Many colleges are seeing fewer and fewer males apply for college. Quite a few are already 60% female and I suspect that with all the general ed requirements, many males find college not relevant enough to the real world. Also, only 11 of every 100 students entering high school will ever get a four year college degree. Therefore,the most important thing is to focus on a career and job interests. Given his abivalence to academics, it would be better for him to start in a community college where he has more contact with professors who teach their classes. Often in four year colleges, grad students without any ability to teach do most of the teaching and the classes are huge. Community colleges also have classes on figuring out your career path and how to time manage and study. If he can get settled into college through community college, he stands an excellent chance of transferring to a four year university. Another way to go is a career college. Those are more real world based and many will give an Associate's Degree at the end of 18 months. Also, graduates of those colleges get help with job placement and frequently make much more money than those who go to four year colleges. The focus should be his career and job disires and helping him figure out the right training and education path for his personality. Focusing only on going to college is why 1/3 of 18 to 34 years olds live at home without jobs or careers. | (view all answers to this question)

A: As someone who tutored elementary school age children in reading, I can understand your grandson's struggle. I often found that different children have different issues and advance at different rates. At 7, he is just learning to learn and it is important to find out what works for him. I often tried different formats to engage my student and then the acquiring of the reading skill became easier. For example, some children have trouble following long stories and do better with short stories. Some children might like reading in a cartoon format with more visual stimulus. I learned to engage them and then they could learn. My hat is off to you as educator for 43 years. I have not seen the Reading Machine in actual use and researched it to better understand its use. I did find that some are adapted for younger children. My own inclination is to do a trial use of one and see how he responds. I have watched a young man who had atrocious hand writing and who was a special education student for part of his life suddenly improve recently from the mere use of text messaging. Sometimes boys like problem solving and learning through devices, hence the popularity among boys of video games. I would suggest a trial period and see if that is a mode of learning that works well for him. If you can engage him, most of the battle is won. | (view all answers to this question)

A: I am so glad that you are looking to do this while they are young! I have to deal with parents who failed to pass on these life skills and now have grumpy adult children expecting to do no chores but be given money. I too grew up in hard times and wanted better for my sons, but the fact is that chores and money management are two extremely important life skills that young people need. I started my sons with allowances in kindergarten. They had to learn to save for special toys because if you spent it all, you couldn't buy anthing until the next time. By the time my sons were your daughter's ages, they had to purchase some of their clothes (I'd give them $50 for shoes and if they wanted more expensive, they had to come up with the extra, etc.) They quickly learned about sales and the value of a dollar. Tie the allowance to what you want them to pay for such as luxury items, some clothes, entertainment, and the like. Maybe $10 a week for the 9 yr. old and $15 for the 14 yr. old. Work it out together. It is critical that they learn to keep their rooms "orderly" and clean, do some laundry, have days to do dishes, etc. Their brains are growing until they are 25 or later and what you are doing is helping to create the pathways that help them order their lives and be responsible to others. If you like, do some of the chores together initially and make it a bonding experience. Make sure that you thank them and ask them politely telling them that it would really help you. They should lose the grumpiness down the line but if it continues, take an attitude fine out of the allowance. In the workplace, attitude is important. Some books out there on children and money are listed below. It is your job as a parent for this age group to help them learn to do for others, manage work and money. These are critical life skills and good for you to know instinctively that it needs to be done. | (view all answers to this question)

A: This is a very good question and the answer lies with what works best for the two of you. I am assuming that your child is a second year student at age 19. Have they ever worked? Did you agree to some system of support through college? Most teens should be working through high school. This helps them to develop a work ethic and a sense of money management. They should be responsible for some of their bills, whether it is car insurance, gas for their car, or cell phones and clothes. Many parents don't do this training however. It then becomes critical for college age students in preparation for the job market to pick up these life skills. I recommend to most parents that the summer after the second year that the student work or do an internship in their chosen field. This gives them both connections and a sense of what real work in the field is like. But if money is an issue, they need to work in some job even if not in their major and start managing bills. If the relationship isn't working for you in terms of financial support, then you need to sit down with your student and explain that you both need a new game plan that works for both of you. Maybe they can take less classes and get a part time job. At this age, it is no longer that you owe them. The relationship needs to begin to be between two adults. A discussion of what they can do and what you need in terms of their help is critical. Even if you have the means to be fully supporting them, it is important that either they work or that they work within a budget. Managing money is important. Give them a bill or two to pay. Be prepared that there will be late payments, late fees, the general mistakes that come from managing life and money. It isn't your job to manage their mistakes anymore. Let them have the responsibility. If they are doing well and can take on more, that is good. You want them handling most of their bills and life by they time they graduate and that comes fast! Good luck! | (view all answers to this question)

A: It appears that you have two problems going on. Let us address the easiest. You can't monitor her anymore. That aspect of parenting is over. She now needs to learn how to make her own decisions and mistakes. It is hard to let go, but it is the next level of growth for both of you. Trust that you instilled good values in her even if she is a bit new to the process. The second is talking to her in a fair way about her game plan in college. I am amazed at how little parents talk to their young adults about what they are thinking and if it is working for them. My oldest son also was a so-so student in high school and the first two years of college. I prepared myself that it might not be for him. Statistically, only half of students entering college graduate and half of those who do graduate go home after graduating and start out in an entry level job they could have had out of high school. Generally, college does not prepare them for work or a career. It may take her a year or two to figure out if it is working for her. The first semester is very hard to adjust to as they are also learning life and social skills. If she is failing, she needs to learn to drop classes. My son got very good at learning when to get out. It may put them behind in credits but it keeps the grade point average from severe damage. My son is now doing well in college because he found out that his options for the major he wanted decreased dramatically with lower grades. She is taking baby steps into adulthood. Remember how often they fell learning to walk? She is falling a bit here and there. Lower your expectations and build a dialogue. It may be better if she cut back and went to work to earn money. Jobs provide routine and balance during these difficult years. She'll appreciate your expenditure even more. A work history is sorely neglected by so many and when they do get out, their work resume is empty. See if she can take advantage of the year with the scholarship. If not, that is a lesson she will learn the hard way. Talk to her about her work and career plans and how she sees college fitting into that. Take a deep breath. She will do well. It isn't a reflection on you if she is stumbling. She is just learning that adulthood isn't so easy. | (view all answers to this question)

A: I am assuming that you mean that your daughters are inconsistent in clean up. In raising children sometimes we hold them to higher standards than we hold ourselves. A little inconsistency is normal and can be overcome with making it into a game or a competition. Ask yourself if you are making this a rigid rule or do they simply need a bit of inspiration. Children will act differently in school because there are social consequences and that is fine. Home needs a different approach. I made sure my sons got into the habit of making their beds and keeping their room in order at about 8. A little slipping happens and when things got too out of hand, I offered to come help. If they were overwhelmed, making it a time to discuss preferences for organizing came in handy and provided bonding. I made it fun. As they grew, my help was seen as a bit insulting but since I don't like big messes they learned to keep a livable order for all of us. As college age men now, they both are organized and tiddy but not perfect. Just light years above their peers. As my oldest son explained, it helps him access what he needs quickly and as busy as he is, that's critical. Don't take offense come up with some fun competitions, maybe the one who is done first gets special points or a special choice for an outing, or gets a choice DVD to watch. Make it fun. Let things go a bit. We all need to smell the roses even when we are young. Making it a general trait to aspire to, you will find that over time the activity becomes a good habit. | (view all answers to this question)

A: If he has gotten to the college age, the time has come to stop setting standards for him. Some people are more sensitive to criticism than others and if you have seen this since grade school you need to change your approach. Parents don't understand that their well meaning admonitions to do better sends a strong message that their child is not all right. It is possible that he has taken this as your message for a decade now. Maybe he doesn't do well in school because quite frankly, it is boring and not his thing. There is nothing wrong with that. Somehow we as parents let our own anxieties over grades as a measure of success shadow the incredible possibilities that exist in our talented students. Doing well in college or high school is no measure of success in the outside world. Instead of admonitions, focus on what he is learning from his experiences. Several of my sons are just not interested in college. One tried it and it didn't work at this time in his life so he is now in management in retail at age 23. Another plans to finish his degree and is working part time and moving up in sales. School isn't for them nor is it for most students. Helping him to find a field to work in where he enjoys it and can gain self esteem will do wonders. I strongly suggest no more focus or comments on grades and more positive comments on what he does well. Also, look seriously at whether or not he needs to be in college. Only half of all students entering college graduate from college and half of those return home to live with mom and dad. Have a respectful talk about whether he needs to work for a while or go to a college that trains and places its students in a profession. Many of these provide an associates degree and perhaps down the line, your son will return to the four year college when it means more. It is time to for him to shine and the one path fits all doesn't fit most let alone all. Be inventive and find joy in helping him find a career! | (view all answers to this question)

A: I'm not sure I can answer this adequately without a few more facts. Your age and the situation in which you have been angry in such as work, home life, or in general would be really important to know. Has there been a recent trigger to the anger or has this always been a problem? Both anger and feeling unappreciated are very much affected by our perception. We can choose to be angry over things that another person wouldn't be and as to your not being appreciated, it is possible you are not adequately conveying your need for appreciation. All of these would benefit from a good therapist or life coach who helps you to see things from other points of view, sort out the sources for these feelings, and help you start to have a less angry responses to stimulus. There could be physical issues such as if you are a person in your teens or early adult years, hormones are still adjusting. For women in middle age, changing hormones again affect how we feel. Keep in mind that anger generates a number of stress hormones and these aren't good for your health. It is great that you are wanting to change. Find a doctor and therapist who can begin to get you on the road to balance! | (view all answers to this question)